Parenting My Teen through Divorce, Gaming Addiction and Temporary Abandonment


 
Our guest post today comes from a real mom.  Her story is true.  She has asked to remain anonymous to protect her son's identity. 
 
Abandonment

The title of this post likely has you assuming that I abandoned my teen. This is not the case. My teen abandoned us. For 8 years I was the full time parent, after my divorce. My child was on the Honor Roll, involved with a teen charity group, had tested out Gifted and had a group of tight knit friends.

For 8 years I heard, ā€œMom. Please just let me try living with dad. PLEASE! I can do it! Iā€™ll be fine! Donā€™t you trust me? Donā€™t you trust your own parenting enough to know that you raised me right during my early years?ā€

I finally decided to bend. After all, if I believed everything I say about early childhood and the impact of the early years, I did have to trust that what I had done would win out in the end.

Agony

As I type this out, I have my child back again. This wasnā€™t an easy year and a half for me. In fact, it was painful and hurtful and at times ā€“ agonizing. My child went from Honor Roll and Principalā€™s List to all Fā€™s, a video game addiction, pasty skin, blood shot eyes, a flip-flopped sleep schedule (playing video games all night long and then sleeping during the day), 37 days of missed school in one term (to play video games, of course), a suspension at school, an unhealthy diet, multiple ear and sinus infections, lost vision from staring at a screen non-stop, and the possibility of repeating a grade.

For a year and a half I held back my desire to drive right over and force my child into the car. ā€œCome home now!ā€ Thatā€™s what I wanted to do but instead, I cried myself to sleep a number of times, prayed for Godā€™s peace upon my hurting heart and reached out to parenting expert friends for advice and guidance.

Absence and Empty Spaces

I kept waiting for my child to say, ā€œCome and get me. I want to come back now.ā€ But that didnā€™t happen. Not for a year and a half. At one point I went for 6 weeks without seeing my kid. The video game took precedence over seeing me, step-dad and siblingsā€¦so for 6 weekends in a row we didnā€™t see one another.

 
I have a school memory book that Iā€™ve been filling up since preschool. There are two empty years right now, where all of those papers and memories should be. I wasnā€™t around for those months and nothing was shared with me. So the slots sit empty.


One day I sat in my car, ready to drive over to get my child. I was done. My heart could take no more. My husband wrapped his arms around me and told me to stay strong. He reminded me that if I forced my childā€™s hand, no peace would follow; only disharmony and anger. So I walked back into my house and wept, feeling as though my child was drowning in a sea of poor choices and unhealthy decisions that may never be reversed.

 
A while later my child began to call more oftenā€¦ ā€œMom. I think I know why you left now. I know why you left him. I get it now.ā€ This was referring to my ex husband; a selfish man indeed. I reminded my child that although this man didnā€™t know much about love, he loved his child. As much as he was capable of lovingā€¦he did love his child. And for him, that was a lot.

Reunited

I have my child back now, full time. For two weeks weā€™ve been re-implementing things like hand washing, teeth brushing, sleeping during the night time rather than the day time, video game limits (no more than 2 hours per day), outdoor time, friend time, sibling play time, reading, communication and more. All missing homework assignments have been turned in and grades are going back up again. Iā€™ve also been saying, ā€œIā€™m really proud of you. Iā€™m proud of your efforts and I see that you are getting healthier and happier again. I love that you have read three books already, too!ā€ I read, often, about how effective praise can be when we praise a childā€™s efforts specifically rather than saying, ā€œYouā€™re so great! So smart! Well done!ā€

Hope

My kiddo got into the car the other day and told me, ā€œMom. My teacher said she is proud of me today. Sheā€™s never said that before. She said she didnā€™t realize I was that smart. We were talking about the Holocaust and I answered all of the questions and talked more than any of the other kids. My teacher said she didnā€™t even know I was listening during class.ā€


The kindness has returned and the laugher has come back. We giggle and joke and text silly things to one another. Thereā€™s empathy and gratitude from both of us, for we both seem to know now that something special went missing for that year and a half. My child needed time to discover the truth and it hurt so much to let it happen. I have no idea how I made it through because it seems like a blur now. I remember writing to my colleagues and I remember them saying, ā€œYou have to trust what you did during early childhood. The lessons you taught and the modeling you did. TRUST that.ā€ And somehowā€¦I managed to.

Lessons Learned
 
I think the biggest lesson I learned was this one: so many of the things that upset me before do not upset me now. I can let the little things go and focus on the bigger picture. I donā€™t get mad if underpants get left on the floor because I know: I taught my kid to pick up and later that day, it will get done. I donā€™t get angry if no chores get done one day because I know: the next day my child will do more than I ask and Iā€™ll feel proud of the effort and help. I trust my kid to make good choices because I trust that I taught my child to do so.

Into the Future

My kiddo has to move schools next year and we sat together, crying about it. I know the pain that comes with leaving friends behind and I empathized with the sorrow. My child said, ā€œMom. Those friends are all I have here, you know.ā€ I replied, ā€œThey WERE all you had here. But you need to remember: you left us. We never left you. Just because you decided to try things without us doesnā€™t mean we ever stopped loving you or wanting you. We wanted you to come back, every day. None of us felt whole without you. I know you had to make those friends your family but youā€™re not alone anymore. You have your family back and we have you back. I understand itā€™s hard to say goodbye to your friends but youā€™re not saying goodbye and then turning around to be alone. Youā€™re not alone now. Weā€™re a team here.ā€


Weā€™re a teamā€¦

 
Have you experienced success with your teen after a difficult period? 
We'd love to hear about it in the comment section below. 
Never, ever, ever give up on a child.  EVER!
 
 
As always, from Kidlutions, we wish you Happy Parenting {and Teaching}!
 
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Comments

naomi saidā€¦
That is such a sad story but also one that fills me with hope. It shows that when we sow seeds young they know what is right and what is not. What a lovely ending and despite losing two years it does not matter - lessons were learnt and it is never too late to catch up on where you last left off.

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