5 Surefire Ways to Build REAL Self-Esteem in Kids

Building REAL Self-Esteem in Kids

Most parents want to "up" their child's self-esteem.  It's a common question I get from parents.  "How do I make sure my child is confident enough?  How can I help her believe in herself?  How can she eventually bounce back from disappointment?"

Well, there a few things that parents should know that can help support their child in developing all of the above.  We know constant praise doesn't work, and in fact, may backfire. The most helpful things of all seem to be:

1. Stability Counts. Providing a stable living environment wherein the child feels love and unconditional positive regard.  This goes beyond the basic needs of food, shelter and clothing.  It includes routine, limits, laughter, love and sense of belonging.  Knowing that you and your home are a safe haven provides the foundation on which all other building blocks for self-esteem will rest. Every child in the world needs this.

2. Challenge. Allow your children to be challenged.  This stretches their mental muscle and let's them feel accomplished when they complete a task they had not earlier been able to master.  Focus on progress, not perfection.  Cheer your child on to victory.  Support her in her defeat.

3. Listen Up.  Your child needs your undivided attention.  No, not all day long.  Thank goodness, because if this were the case, you'd never get anything done.  Your child needs some time alone to dream, doodle and entertain herself. But, she also needs and deserves your full attention, at times. Put that iPad or phone down. Stop multi-tasking. Look into your child's eyes.  LISTEN.  Really listen.  Reflect back to her what she is asking or saying to you.  Make her feel understood and wanted.

4. Praise Effort, Not Outcomes.  "You worked really hard on folding those socks.  Look how many you did!"  "You never gave up on that math homework! Good for you!"  "It's fun for me to watch you play soccer.  When you got knocked down, you got right back up and kept running! Way to go!"  "You studied hard for that spelling test and did your very best! Excellent effort!"

5.  Help Children Be YOU-nique.  Each and every child is magnificient. (So is every adult.) When we look for it, we can find amazing qualities in every child we meet.  Help your child identify what makes her unique, what makes her stand out, what makes her special and different from anyone else in the world.

The list of things that help kids build self-esteem could go on and on.  This will give you a start. Add your own ideas.  Just avoid the constant, ongoing praise that kids drown out and stop believing in after a while.  It backfires from it's intended purpose.  Focus on helping your child be strong and secure in herself.  Self-esteem is an inside job! Help her make her own internal dialogue STRONG and CLEAR, so she learns to trust and rely on herself.

You might also enjoy: 10 Things That Can Hurt Your Child's Self-Esteem

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Until next time,

Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD, is  the founder of Kidlutions and co-author of BLOOM: 50 Things to Say, Think and Do with Anxious, Angry and Over-the-Top Kids, co-creator of BLOOM Brainsmarts, and creator of The Joyful Parent. She is the author of numerous workbooks and resources to help from the preschool through the teen years. 

Follow her on Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook! You can also find her @thetenacioustherapist on Instagram, where she helps other therapists create a life they love. She'd love to see your smiling face there! Affiliate links may be used in this post. Please see our full disclaimer, located at the top of our page for more information.