Let me! {Encouraging Independence Part I}

Never help a child with a task at which he think he can succed! 

      ~Maria Montessori

Let Me!

From a very young age, before they even have a full grasp of the English language, you will hear kids say, "No, me do!  Me do!"  There is a built in drive for us to do things for ourselves.  You might look at this as a good thing or a not so good thing. 

Two Trains of Thought

1. This is a GOOD thing: Ultimately, we all must be able to take care of ourselves. This burgeoning sense of independence is a positive thing.  Being able to successfully complete a task (whether it is for self-care or something else), or even to successfully navigate some piece of the task, builds confidence and a child's belief in herself.

2. This is a NOT-SO-GOOD thing: Kids seem to have an inherent knack to want to do things for themselves.  This takes time.  Lots of time.  Sometimes more time than we seem to have available.  Kids often want to do these things for themselves when we have five minutes to be out the door and our way.  If we do it for them, we can be out the door in five seconds.  If we let them do it, we could be 15 minutes late.

Encouraging Independence and Saving Your Sanity

The aforementioned are not mutually exclusive.  You really can support your child's efforts at becoming independent, while at the same time maintaining your own sanity.  There are a few "tricks of the trade", which you can borrow from early childhood educators that will have your child grinning from ear to ear, saying, "I did it myself!" while you stay calm, cool and collected. 

Easy Steps

1. Developmental Perspective - Recognize that your child's attempt at doing things for herself is a positive sign of growth.  Respect her need to s~t~r~e~t~c~h herself.

2. Time - Leave plenty of time to allow your child to "do it herself".  It might take your child 2-3 or more times longer to do things for herself (getting dressed, zipping coats, tying shoes).  You've had lots more practice.  She is just learning.  Make sure to add in extra time when your youngster wants to do things for herself, so you can leave plenty of time for trial and error.  It can be frustrating for your child when her less than deft hands try to get the button "just so".  She's counting on you to be the calm voice of reason.  You can do that better when you aren't feeling stressed and rushed for time.

3.  Support - Your child needs your support and encouragement.  Cheer her along from the sidelines, without trying to rush in at the first sign of distress.  Believe in her.  Support her attempts, even if only slightly successful.

Say, "You're almost there!  You almost got it!  Keep trying!" 

When your child can't get things quite the way they need to be, say, "You worked hard on that!  You were so close!  We'll keep working at it! 

Other Resources that Help Kids Become Independent



Grief Solutions for Kids

Helping Grieving Children

It's hard to put the words "children" and "grief" into the same sentence, as we like to think of the childhood years as carefree and wondrous.  Yet, countless numbers of children will become bereaved each year and they'll look to the adults in their lives to help them through.

No matter how prepared parents and caregivers are to raise health, happy kids, they are not often equipped to help them deal with grief.  It's something we don't like to think about, nor is it something we see ourselves as having to do.  When the unthinkable happens, however, it is good to have some concrete advice about how to best help kids.

Tips to Help:

Death/Dying/Dead

1. Use the words death, dying, dead. This may seem harsh, but it is very necessary to help kids delineate that death is a very different state than any other.

Avoid Euphemisms

2. Avoid euphemisms: She's sleeping (may induce sleep difficulties and fears), he went on a long trip (when is he coming back?), we "lost" grandpa (when will we find him again?), grandma's gone away for awhile, etc.

Terminal Illnesses

3. Explain to children that doctor's almost always can help us feel better (sore throats, headaches, stomachaces, illnesses), but sometimes a body is so, so, so sick, that the doctor's cannot help. In those cases, the doctors have good medicine to help our loved one be comfortable and out of pain, but they cannot keep our loved person alive.

Prepare Them

4. If a child is to attend a wake or funeral for the first time, prepare them for what they will see, hear, experience. Explain what a casket is, that the deceased will no longer be able to talk, breathe, eat or feel pain. That there may be many emotions and tears. It is okay when people cry because they are sad. They miss the loved one. Crying gets the sad out.

Sudden Death/Terminal Illness/Suicide

The death of loved one may be expected (due to a terminal illness) or unexpected (due to a sudden death, accident or suicide).    Helping to explain death to children, as well as deal with the circumstances surrounding the death can be very challenging for parents. 

Listen to Learn More

I was recently interviewed by Marianne Russo on The Coffee Klatch and we discussed all of the above (as well as helping kids deal with divorce and relocation).

You can hear this podcast online or download it to listen to on your iPod or MP3 player.  It's free.

Our Signature Product to Help Grieving Children

Kidlutions has helped thousands of greiving children through the years.  With experience as a hospice social worker, as a school-based therapist and a private practice clinician, I have helped kids heal from losses due to terminal illness, suicide, sudden accidents, unexpected deaths and murder. 

Our signature workbook, "How Long Does the Sad Last" is based upon 25 years of work in the field and inlcudes:

~ 50 pages of open-ended activities and space where kids can doodle, draw and express their grief. 

~ A Caregiver's Guide to assist parents and caregivers in helping their children in significant and meaningful ways.

~ Directions to make your own Kidlutions Care Kit, with explanations about how to use common household items to help kids heal.

The workbook is availble for instant download. No waiting for shipping time.  Help can be in the hands of a parent or caregiver whenever they need it. 

Thank you, for making a difference in the life of a grieving child.



The Keeping All Students Safe Act (S.2020)

As a mental health therapist who provides services in two school districts and consults to numerous early childhood programs, and as a prior special education school social worker, I am compelled to share with you a new piece of legislation that needs your support. 

According to the Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law, "Senator Tom Harkin (D-IA) has introduced the Keeping All Students Safe Act (S. 2020) in response to an alarming report by the Government Accountability Office (GAO) that found hundreds of cases of alleged abuse and even deaths of children -- most of them with disabilities -- as a result of restraint and seclusion in schools. No federal laws regulate the use of restraint and seclusion in schools, and state laws vary widely." 

The Keeping All Students Safe Act (S. 2020)

The Keeping All Students Safe Act (S. 2020) would reduce (but not eradicate) the use of restraints and seclusionary practices within school settings.  Restraint and seclusion practices are often unregulated. They may also be applied when more effective prevention and behavioral interventions would be appropriate.  Unfortunately, students with disabilities most often are impacted by the use of restraint and seclusion.  We must protect ALL students, but particularly our most vulnerable.

Physical Injury, Psychological Trauma and Death

Over 200 Deaths in Five Years

According to a press release regarding this (S. 2020) legislation:

(R)estraints and seclusion have resulted in physical injury and psychological trauma to thousands of students in public and private schools throughout the country, many of them students with disabilities. Estimates from the GAO are that over 200 students have died due to seclusion and restraints being used in schools over the past five years.This bill would prohibit the use of seclusion in locked and unattended rooms or enclosures, prohibit the use of mechanical and chemical restraints and physical restraints that restrict breathing, and prohibit aversive behavioral interventions that compromise health and safety. The bill would also:


•Prohibit the use of physical restraints except for emergency situations,
•Prohibit the use of physical restraints that inhibit a student’s primary means of communication
•Prohibit the use of seclusions and/or restraints in a student’s Individual Education Plan or any other behavioral plan
•Call for states to promote preventative programming to reduce the use of restraints

•Call for states to collect data on the occurrence of seclusions and restraints

•Call for schools to conduct a debriefing with parents and staff after a restraint is used and plan for positive behavioral interventions that will prevent the use of restraints with the student in the future.
•Establish a state grant program to enhance the State’s ability to promote, within its LEAs, preventative programming and training for school personnel

A Simple Phone Call Can Change Everything

You can help by making a quick phone call.  You can find your two U.S. senators' phone number here , or call the Capitol Switchboard at (202) 224-3121.

Help Spread the Word

You can help spread the word about this legislation, by blogging about it (feel free to use our graphic), tweeting it, sharing on facebook and pinterest, and anywhere else you like to hang out. 

Let's make this world a better (and safer) place for ALL students!

Keeping Kids Safe/FREE Download {Fire, Gun Safety, Strangers, Internet}

Click to Download from Source @ Michigan.gov

Fires, bullying, internet dangers, pedestrian safety and personal body safety and the like are not generally on our list of fun topics to think about, let alone discuss with our kids.  Yet, arming our children with safety knowledge and skills can be the difference between happiness and trauma, and even life or death. 

I urge you to make sure that you start discussing these things with your children and educating them about how to keep themselves safe.  One of the saddest things I must deal with as a therapist are situations in which prevention could have made all the difference.

The coloring book pictured above, is available for FREE download from michigan.gov.  It appears to be made for older elementary students, so I urge parents to look it over.  By printing the coloring book out yourself, you can pick and choose which pages are most appropriate for your child's developmental level. 

Whether the book above fits your child's current developmental level, it is imperative for parents to educate even the youngest of children about strangers, gun safety, personal body safety and more.

Here a few resources that may help:

'Tweens, Teens and Self-esteem

One Mom Wants to Know

I recently received a letter from a parent regarding self-esteem and her tween daughter.  Her daughter is a good athlete, a great student, and yet, she still has a low self-concept.  Not only that, this low self-image was starting to erode her confidence in both her academics and her sports, and was starting to affect her performance in both.  This mom had done everything right: encouraged her daughter, cheered her on, helped her explore her passions, shared positive feedback with her, and still, the daughter just couldn't seem to move past having a low self-image.  The mom was looking for guidance and wanted reassurance that she hadn't done anything "wrong" to contribute to this.

Being that so many tween and teen girls experience this issue, I decided to blog about it rather than just answer this mom individually.

The tween years can be tumultuous and fraught with uncertainties for tweens.  Peers begin to take on a whole new level of importance, and tweens can be merciless when they compare themselves to others.  Tweens are also painfully aware of the media's narrow portrayal of female beauty: thin, blemish free, asymmetrical features, perfectly proportioned, and so forth! 

It's Just Impossible

Those images are not only near-impossible to live up to...they are impossible to live up to.  Even the models themselves don't look as good as the media portrays them.  After they've been painted, sprayed, photographed, photo-shopped and edited, they look nothing like their "real" selves.  The media is only one piece of the puzzle, but it is a piece that has far-reaching influence.  Girls can begin to internalize these images and begin to use them as a yardstick from which they measure their own worth. 

If you are looking to join the good fight on stopping how the media shortchanges our girls, I respect and highly recommend that you read more by Dr. Robyn Silverman, Dr. Jennifer Shrewmaker  and Melissa Wardy at Pigtail Pals.  These women are a strong force in changing things for our girls.

When Good Enough isn't Good Enough

Not one of us is perfect. Not one. But each and every one of us is good enough.  When a tween or teen is struggling with self-image, they can become their own worst enemy.  The self-deprecating remarks you may hear, "I'm fat!", "This haircut makes my nose look huge!",  "I'm so dumb.  I'll never get this math!", are only the tip of the iceberg.  'Tweens and teens can have an ongoing dialogue of negativity that plays like an endless-loop-tape in their heads. 

What's a Parent to Do?

The first line of defense is to drop the guilt and recognize that it is very unlikely that there is anything that you have done to contribute to this problem (provided you have not been verbally or emotionally abusive or demeaning to your child).  Next, recognize that a lot of this problem stems from societal expectations (which are way greater and more intense than they were when you and I were 'tweens or teens).  Finally, know that the ongoing barrage of negative thoughts originate in your child's head, stemming from irrational thoughts that she is likely not even aware of....YET. 

The Approach

Continue to provide support, encouragement and positive feedback.  Be aware, though, that research has shown that telling our kids things like, "You're great!  See how smart you are!  You're the best!" might not be as powerful as saying things like, "You tried so hard.  You must be proud of how you hung in there and didn't give up.  You are dedicated!  You worked hard and you did it!  Look at how strong you are!  Your attitude is top-notch!" Try to incorporate this way of communicating with your child and see what a difference it makes over time.

Book 'Em

Provide your daughter with books about positive female role-models, who overcame adversity or accomplished great things by trying. 

Offer your daughter books that focus specifically on self-esteem and self-development and that were written specifically with her age-group in mind.  Click on any of the images below to learn more about the book.  (Apologies for the formatting...I'm no "html" expert...but I'm going with the flow and have decided that it's "good enough" the way it is!)

As always, happy parenting!



Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Pet

Real Grief, Not a Dress Rehearsal

Pets are a huge part of our families and we develop strong bonds with them. It is no surprise that we grieve their loss very deeply. Whether it is a goldfish, hamster, an iguana, guinea pig, cat, dog or horse, the death of the animal causes real grief (for kids and for adults).  It is not a "dress rehearsal" for the real thing.

Grieving Children Have Unique Needs

When it comes to children, there are some unique needs to consider when explaining and helping them cope with it. Depending upon the age of the child, the child may have very different reactions.
Parents may feel a double sadness after the death of a pet, as they will grieve the loss of the pet, as well as have to support their child through the loss. It is not an easy task, but there are some things that parents can do to help their child cope.

8 Meaningful Way to Support Your Child

1. Always tell the truth.

When given the truth an age-appropriate manner, children can cope. The truth is always preferable to saying something like, “Fluffy ran away.” Your child will eventually learn the truth and making up "little white lies" can erode your child's trust in you.  While it might seem like a kind-hearted thing to do, trying to the soften the blow of the death does not help your child.  He cannot forever be shielded from the reality of death, and helping him learn to cope with loss is far more important than trying to shield him from the feelings of grief.  It provides a much healthier approach.

2. Avoid euphemisms.

When discussing the death of the animal, do not say, “Sam is sleeping, he is peaceful.” This may induce a fear of bedtime in young children. Avoid saying, “We lost Princess.” This implies you may find her again.

3. Be patient.

Young children who may need to continue to talk about the pet’s death in order to understand it. They may also play the death out with stuffed animals or toys. Do not suggest your child “find something else to do”, or play something "nice".  It's important not to view this kind of play of "macabre". This is how children make sense of the loss, especially in the early days. Use their play content as a springboard for more discussion. Be sure to use “feeling” words. “Your stuffed animal died, just like Sparky. It is SAD when our animals die. I know you miss Sparky very much. I do, too.”

4. Support your child in memorializing the pet.

Whether or not you have your beloved pet’s body for burial or not, you can find a way to engage your child in a ritual to memorialize the animal. You can find a special area in your yard to perhaps plant a small bush or some flowers and make a marker with you pet’s name. Another option would be to have a small resin or plaster garden creature that symbolizes your beloved pet. If you live in an apartment, a small potted plant or just a framed picture of the animal could be used. Allow each family member to say something special about the pet, something they will miss, and something funny or silly that they remember about the pet.

5. Create a memory box.

Use an old shoebox or other suitable container and have your child decorate the “Memory Box”. Have your child and family members select things that remind them of the pet. Perhaps its collar, a toy that belonged to the pet, pictures of happy times with the pet. Family members can even write little notes or snippets of memories about the pet. When your child or other family members are feeling particularly sad, they can sift through the “Memory Box”.

6. Share your own grief.

Let your child see your grieve. It is helpful for a child to know that you, too, loved and miss the pet. Express to your child that you feel great sadness, but that you also hold many dear memories of the pet. Talk with your child often about the pet.

7. Hug your child.

Always hug your children, but even more so when they have experienced a loss. Children need more TLC when they are grieving. If your child doesn’t want to talk about the pet, encourage him to either write or draw about it.

8. Click here to see our printable on helping kids deal with the death of a pet.





Click to Download.

To get our whole set of printables to help kids deal with the

challenges that life throws their way, go here.
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Kidlutions has helped thousands of grieving children, with resources that are beyond compare.  Our grief approach with children is so compelling, it is featured in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book. If your child is grieving, see here for more help.

Our best-selling resource for grieving kids is:

Click to Learn More.

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Guest Appearance: The Coffee Klatch

Click to find out more.

I'm so excited to have been invited by Marianne Russo, to be her guest on The Coffee Klatch. I'll be joining Marianne:

Sunday, January 22, 2012 at 9 pm, EST. 

We'll be talking about some of the difficult transitions that impact kids:

divorce

grief and loss

relocation 

We'll cover some of the behavioral fallout that may occur surrounding these life-changing events, and talk about some effective ways that parents and caregivers can respond in a way that is helpful and meaningful.  We'll focus on special needs kids, but the ideas we discuss will be helpful for ALL parents.

Click to find out more.

You'll have the chance to call in with questions, if you'd like!  You can find out more of the details here.

The Coffee Klatch has been a tremendous resource for parents of special needs children.  They have something for everyone!  I am honored to have been invited.  Marianne has hosted some of the most respected and revered experts in their fields.  

7 Skillful Ways to Help Kids Manage Intense Feelings

Feelings: they make life worthwhile. They make life interesting.  They make life, er, complicated at times.  No matter if we view feelings as a friend or as a foe, we will all have to deal with them.  Yes, we all have feelings...but for some of us, the way we handle them can get us into some pretty tough spots. 

It can be the same way for kids.  Particularly for kids who experience their emotions in an intense way. The beauty of it all, as I see it, is that we can help our kids manage over-the-top feelings.  When we do this, we give them a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Feelings Just Are

An important thing to bear in mind when it comes to feelings is that no one feeling is either good or bad.  Feelings just are.  They are what they are.  The degree to which we feel our feelings differs:  some of us feel our feelings in a BIG way, and our feelings are amplified to great proportions.  For others of us, our feelings are there just the same, but they seem barely perceptible to bystanders.  We can thank our temperament, in part, for this! 

Do You Parent a Kid with Over-the-Top Feelings

If you parent a child with over-the-top feelings, nobody has to tell you just how out of control things can seem to get sometimes.  You may be one of those parents who puts in the equivalent of an 8 hour day (dealing with the hijacked emotions of your child), before you even leave for the office (I know some of you are nodding "yes" to this).  It can be challenging, for sure, but helping even the most intense of kids can be accomplished.  It will take time.  It will take patience, but it can be done. And it will make a world of difference to the child.

Responding Effectively to Intense Feelings in Kids

Here are a few tips that can help you help your child:

1.  Maintain Your Own Composure

When a child is falling apart at the seams, it can be difficult to maintain your own composure, but in order to help your child, this is exactly what you must do.  Breathe.  Imagine yourself staying calm.  Imagine yourself at peace. Imagine that your child is reaching out her hand to you for help.  Imagine yourself in her corner.  BE THERE FOR HER.  Punishing her for strong feelings that she is ill-equipped to manage accomplishes nothing.

2.  Handing it Over

When your child is melting down, maybe screaming at you and telling you how terrible you are, how you're a dummy-head, doody-downer, poopie pants or any other creative term she can come up with, it is your job to look beyond the words and recognize that your child is in distress and is handing the problem over to you for help.  It won't look that way to you, perhaps, but it is what is happening. 

3.  Shift Your Perspective

When you recognize that your child isn't going out of her way to make your life miserable, and that she wants to successfully manage her BIG feelings, but just doesn't yet have the skill or emotional maturity to do so, you'll have a much better chance of managing your own emotional fallout.  Don't personalize.  Your child cannot push your buttons if you don't let her.  (Nor can anyone else, for that matter!)

4.  Be Large and In Charge (of yourself, that is)

Focus on the fact that the only control you have is control of yourself.  You cannot control your child or her behaviors. You can only control how you respond AND what you choose to teach her about becoming more capable in handling her own upset feelings.  What do you want her to learn? Being "large and in charge" of your emotions is one big step towards modeling self-control, and showing her what she will one day look like when she accomplishes this task. If you need a visual to help yourself keep control, check this out.

6.  Provide Healthier Outlets

Offer your child healthier outlets for her BIG feelings, which won't hurt herself, property or anyone else.  When you recognize that E-motion is "Energy in Motion", you can begin to appreciate the need for that upset, angry, worry, anxiety or other emotion to be expressed.  If you need some help in figuring out some ways to do this check here. 

7.  Opportune Moments

Be sure to try to reach and teach your child during moments of peace and calm.  Not much new learning takes place when the brain is in defensive mode.  Our Feelings Fun workbook can help your help your child talk about, process and problem-solve about BIG feelings.  Download it for FREE!